im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
