Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
