How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
