You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize