Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
