I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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