they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
