mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
