Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
