i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
