She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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