Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
