Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
