Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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