you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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