I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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