The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize