just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
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