all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
my being single is dangerous.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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