you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
