I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
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