Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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