i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize