The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
