Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize