and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
