I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
people are starting to question the shark bite story
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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