In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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