If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
