Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
COCAINE IS GR8
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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