My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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