Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
