u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
