So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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