She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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