I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
