I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Be still, my beating vagina.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
