I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
