Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
