at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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