from now on my penis is your penis
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
