We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize