A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I just saw a hot homeless man
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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