The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
