What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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