Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
