hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
