theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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