I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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