I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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