Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
