I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
