Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
