i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
