Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
