I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
