My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
