The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
