i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
