Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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