I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize