i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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