epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
