I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
