I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize