My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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