I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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