No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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