thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
