You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
My ATM looks so different sober.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
