It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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