Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
